Friday, October 16, 2015

God brought me back

Morning and HAPPY FRIDAY! Before I get into today's post I would just like to thank you for the comments, emails and texts I got yesterday after I posted. I was apprehensive about posting such personal information, but I thought it would be good to share especially if that meant reaching others who could also relate. It really meant a lot to me read such caring and uplifting messages on what was a pretty tough day reflecting/sharing. So thank you very much!

Today's post is about how I moved past everything, the best I could. I cannot lie, I really started to question God because I could not see past all of the pain, which was hard because this all went down during the Lenten season. A season on penance and reflection. Talk about a conflicting time and being tested. Sure I have faith, but I was so focused on all the "whys" that I really struggled with believing God was on my side. How could he let this happen to me, I really struggled with this question/s. I had many moments of anger with him, I was hurt and confused. I still went to church, but sat in the back pews, cried and would light my candle before I left, but I still didn't think he was listening. 

I could have chosen to ditch everything I had ever believed in, but my faith is important to me and knew this was a test. His plan is always much bigger, I just need to have faith! I was still apprehensive about his plans, but I started praying all the time, for God to listen to me and help me through all the dark days. Once you hit the bottom, you can only go up. I started praying for myself, people who had helped me through recovery, new friends I had met online on the UK ectopic site who all were struggling. Day by day I started to feel a little more at peace, letting God know that I was leaving it all up to him and his bigger and better plan for myself and my family. We went on a little family beach getaway and for the first time in months I was able to relax. I walked the beach each morning talking to God letting him know that I still had faith in his plans, apologizing for getting so upset, etc. For the first time in a long time I felt like my old self and really felt at peace with everything. Little did I know he did indeed have a plan! God really does work in mysterious ways. 

The last thing on our minds was having baby too soon and knew that when the time came it could go 3 ways......nothing could happen, I could have another repeat ectopic (will always have a 50/50 chance) or it could possibly get stuck in another place or a miracle could happen. While we were away on vacation, God was blessing us with a little miracle and we had no idea it was happening! It's like he waited for us to become ease and let go of all the pain and start enjoying ourselves again without worry. We just needed to trust him.

The day I found out I was pregnant with Landon I was terrified, what did we do, is this going to turn into another emergency, etc. After a few weeks we learned that not only was he in the right place (the uterus), he had also come from the left tube. MIRACLE!! 

While there are so many things to complain about during pregnancy, I just can't. I have no reason to. He is the biggest blessing ever and we cannot wait to meet our miracle baby! We are so very lucky and blessed to be given this opportunity and so thankful.

I truly believe God wanted to help turn things around, no matter how mad I got at him, he was listening. He had plan, but just like life I believe we are all tested at times. I am not saying that this works for everyone as everyone has different religious beliefs, but this is my story and this is what happened to me.

My 24 Week picture from this past weekend! 
I was in a friends wedding and so was Landon! :)

Thursday, October 15, 2015

The topic of Ectopic

Today I am breaking the silence. Before our little miracle baby we are currently expecting, we had something unfortunate happen at the beginning of the year. Today I'm sharing the story of our angel baby in hopes that this might find other people who have experienced the same thing or help give anyone else a little hope on what seems like a dark road. 

While I normally keep this blog pretty light, today I am getting super real and sharing something super personal (warning- very personal). Today just happens to be Wave of Light Day, as October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month.   What a great time to share something that has been so difficult to keep inside, hence why today I am breaking the silence. I have a multitude of emotions today as we are so excited about our bouncing baby boy coming in January, but my heart is still heavy for our angel baby we lost in February. The year started out pretty normal, Greg and I had just gotten married in November. Work was getting pretty busy and I was on the go as usual. With that said I started to notice a little irregular bleeding, but I shrugged it off as my body trying to get back to normal after all the wedding hype. However before a work trip I could tell things were a little off, the week after I went to see my doctor, only to discover that I was pregnant and had no idea. She ran a blood test and with my current conditions, she thought that I had possibly had a miscarriage. I was to come back for more blood work on Friday. That day was a blur, I called my husband and was in shock/upset/scared, etc. How did I not know that I was pregnant? I went back on Friday for more blood work and got a call that evening that my results were not back in yet. I learned a lot about HCG and Progesterone in a 2 day time period. The nurse told me that it could possibly be an ectopic pregnancy and that if I felt any pain over the weekend I needed to go to the emergency room. WTH??????

To say that we went through the weekend on pins and needles is an understatement. Late Sunday night my stomach started to feel a little weird and throughout the night I moved from our room back and forth to the spare bedroom trying to get comfortable. After googling symptoms I could not quite fully self-diagnose myself and thought it could all just be nerves and being the hard head I can be, I decided I needed to get to work because I had a major proposal to get out, even though it hurt to sit, drive, or walk. Once I got to work I realized how dumb I had been and left to see my doctor. I showed up right before they opened and let them know that something was not right and I needed to see my doctor ASAP. Greg also came to meet me and tried his best to keep calm. The nurse took me to a room right away and within minutes the doctor came in to do an ultrasound. Within a few minutes she saw all she needed to see, I was bleeding a lot internally and she confirmed that I was in fact having an ectopic pregnancy and that I needed to get to the hospital ASAP. She would meet us there for emergency surgery. Just when I thought things could not get any worse, here Greg was now rushing me to the hospital for emergency surgery. I was afraid and upset, in just a few days it was just too much to process. I was wheeled to the ER where I had to have another ultrasound, then hooked up to an iv, dressed in a gown and before I could even blink I was telling my husband goodbye as they took me to pre-op, where all I could do was cry. I laid there waiting and crying to any nurse that came to check on me and no amount of morphine could calm my nerves. It was a nightmare, but I was wide awake waiting for the unknown.

What is an Ectopic Pregnancy?
(from Web MD)
A pregnancy in which the fertilized egg implants outside the uterus.

In a normal pregnancy, your ovary releases an egg into your fallopian tube. If the egg meets with a sperm, the fertilized egg moves into your uterus to attach to its lining and continues to grow for the next 9 months.

But in up to 1 of every 50 pregnancies, the fertilized egg stays in your fallopian tube. In that case, it's called an ectopic pregnancy or a tubal pregnancy. In rare cases, the fertilized egg attaches to one of your ovaries, another organ in your abdomen, the cornua (or horn) of the uterus or even the cervix. In any case, instead of celebrating your pregnancy, you find your life is in danger. Ectopic pregnancies require emergency treatment.
Most often, ectopic pregnancy happens within the first few weeks of pregnancy. You might not even know you're pregnant yet, so it can be a big shock. Doctors usually discover it by the 8th week of pregnancy.

I woke up in recovery just as anxious as I was before and had to wait for my doctor to fill me in on what all went down. I bugged the nurse a million times and after what felt like hours I was taken to my room where my parents and Greg were waiting for me.  
I was lucky, my doctor was able to save my right tube. Time was on my side and my right fallopian tube had not burst. Still trying to process it all I would like to say I handled this with some composure, but I didn't. I was sore, very sad and felt empty. I went to a pretty dark place. I did not want to see family and friends, yet still had a lot of obligations! I did not want to do anything social, I was sad and alone. I felt really alone. I was out of work for an entire week. There were days I threw myself pity parties and cried until I couldn't anymore making me feel empty and numb. Who could possibly understand what I was going through? I could not stop thinking, why me, why now? Has anyone I've known gone through this? Why don't people talk about this? What are gods plans for me? How could I possibly bring this up to anyone? Everyone has something going on in their life, there was never the right time to talk about this or bring it up to anyone. 

Weeks later I threw myself into work to keep busy, I met up with friends and attended our social obligations. It was hard, but I did it, life moves on whether I want it to or not. I asked God for prayers all of the time, but was he even listening to me? I still felt the pain regardless. One of my friends sent me a few links to join a few discussion boards. I was a little apprehensive at first, but before I knew it became my new friend. It was nice to chat with other women who had gone through similar experiences. Day by day it helped put me at ease about so many unanswered questions I had, like how could I not know I was pregnant, what was in store for me down the road, etc. Yet at the same time it really opened my eyes to how many woman struggle with getting pregnant in general and it's heartbreaking.  We (women) go through our young lives trying not to get pregnant, we go to school, have obligations, get into our careers, get married etc. Then when it's time to start trying here come all the problems.  If you know anyone who has gone through an ectopic or anything pregnancy related please send them this link. It was the most helpful place I could have ever imagined and has a major support group of woman from all over the world. 

I would like to thank The Woman's Hospital of Texas. Everyone I came into contact that day was kind and caring, doing their best to make me feel at ease. I'm beyond grateful and going through all of this makes me feel at ease about delivering Landon there come January!

Tomorrow I will share part 2 to my story, the lighter side of this and speaking of light, tonight at 7pm starts the Wave of Light where everyone is invited to light a candle. By keeping your candle lit for an hour you will be participating in a worldwide Wave of Light!
Sending lots of hugs to all the angel mommies and baby dust to all of you who are trying to conceive!